


Breathing You In (When I Want You Out)

by PartridgeOnAPearTree



Series: NSFW Bedi-tober Challenge [5]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/Prototype: Fragments of Sky Silver, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blindfolds, Blow Jobs, Breathplay, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, POV Alternating, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:08:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26861158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PartridgeOnAPearTree/pseuds/PartridgeOnAPearTree
Summary: NSFW Bedi-tober Day 5: Breath PlayBedivere and Arthur are comfortable with each other, familiar enough to give warmth, unfamiliar enough to explore. Merlin is the same, though in different ways. A story in three views.
Relationships: Bedivere | Saber/Arthur Pendragon | Saber, Bedivere | Saber/Merlin | Caster
Series: NSFW Bedi-tober Challenge [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952083
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	Breathing You In (When I Want You Out)

**Author's Note:**

> finding our truth in a hope of doubt

It was Master who Merlin was talking to, but Bedivere hears it anyway.

“I want you to know that you can count on me.” Merlin had a mischievous smile on his face. “Especially if you want romantic advice!”

They were fresh from a quest with Master and the king from another world. Bedivere has been deployed with Merlin and King Arthur countless times now that he has found himself realizing something about the two of them: their voices sound so much alike.

When he first noticed this, he became mostly quiet for that specific battle. He directed his attention to listening to the two of them talk. When he finally ascertained that he's not just hearing things, he then wonders why no one else has pointed this out. He understands if his fellow knights wouldn’t notice, considering that the king from another world tends to keep to himself, but Master should at least notice it considering how often they all go on battles together.

Soon after, he also realizes that it might be a weird thing to bring up, so if anyone actually noticed before him, he probably wouldn’t know.

Either way, that observation is something that he kept in his mind. It’s not that he goes out of his way to pay it extra attention, but it’s something that he always knows.

\--

If people could just treat Arthur like a ghost, then he would actually like that.

If he were to be asked, that’s exactly how he would describe himself anyway. He's nothing but a fleeting presence in this world that isn’t his true home. He's meant to drift from place to place in search for something without even being able to control where and when he goes.

That’s why, for someone like him who’s like a fleeting bubble waiting to pop, forming attachments is pointless. He knows this, so it’s easy for him to just silently disappear or pretend he heard nothing when someone tries to talk to him or invite him to something.

“Ah, my king from another world,” Bedivere greets him with a smile. “Good work today, as always. Are you returning to your room now?”

“That’s right.” Arthur returns his smile. “Good work to you too, Sir Bedivere.”

Except this knight in particular.

He has always had a soft spot for Bedivere. He doesn’t know if it’s Bedivere’s simplicity and honesty or if it’s the fact that Bedivere was his first ever knight. He _is_ aware that this isn’t the Bedivere from his world, but they act so similarly. Moreover, even if he isn’t the King Arthur that this Bedivere knew and served, Bedivere still treated him as such. Bedivere would still greet him as his king, bow to him as his king, smile at him as his king.

If he were to be honest, Bedivere provides him that much needed familiarity in his overall uncertain life as a Servant.

“I see. Are you not interested in the current festivities they're holding? I don’t have all the details myself, but I heard that there is a lot of food in the cafeteria right now. I wanted to invite you, but…”

“…Mmm. I suppose it won’t be bad if I go for a bit.”

That must be why he can’t decline Bedivere.

Even if he knows that he can be gone in this next second.

\--

Merlin is the Mage of Flowers.

There was no grand reason to it or whatsoever. He's just called that because he loves flowers, plain and simple. Due to this fascination, he has learned about a mysterious and rare disease that affects humans. It happens so rarely that there aren’t any studies dedicated to it. Humanity has simply dismissed it as a myth.

But Merlin, with his hundreds of years watching humanity, knows that it isn’t a myth. He knows that it’s a disease that someone will get if they fall in unrequited love. They would cough up petals of flowers—or even whole flowers themselves, depending on how long the disease was untreated. It seems that this disease causes a plant that blooms flowers to take root in a person’s lungs which will inevitably lead to a person’s death.

However, even Merlin with his Clairvoyance doesn’t have all the details. After all, even if he has the ability to look wherever he wishes, he also has to know where to look. Considering how rare the disease is, Merlin being able to look without knowing where to look doesn’t really help much.

Besides, he's not about to steal findings from humanity. He's nothing but an outsider, after all.

He's never been the type to want to understand anyway. He merely admires what looks nice without thinking about what it means. He claims to love humanity without caring about individual humans. He learns to recognize the feelings of humans without understanding their burden.

Moreover, it’s not like Merlin has to ever worry about this. He's just an inhuman who will never truly understand what love is, and the closest that he will ever get to it is someone’s dream. He often chooses a Servant completely randomly when he's in need of sustenance and visits that Servant in their sleep.

That was how it was normally, at least.

Ever since a few weeks ago, the truth is he's only been visiting one Servant.

He just happened to choose the king from another world one time. And now, Merlin’s been picking him consistently for a while now.

Arthur had a wide array of dreams. Sometimes, it’s about Camelot. Sometimes, it’s about a Holy Grail War in Japan. Sometimes, it’s just beautiful sceneries that Merlin can’t really pin to a specific and significant part of the king’s life. He assumes that the king must have seen them during travel.

But the dream that he managed to see the first time he visited Arthur is a dream about Chaldea. Specifically, it was a dream about Bedivere.

It seems that Arthur has a soft spot for Bedivere. Merlin himself can relate—even he, the inhuman who doesn’t have real feelings, found it quite painful that he had to send Bedivere into that painful journey. He really didn’t want Bedivere to suffer if it could be avoided. He's only lucky that it all worked out in the end, but it was likelier that it wouldn’t have. If ever that happened instead, he just has to add that to his reasons of being guilty and remaining locked up in his tower even if he's capable enough to break away from that curse—

Not that he knows anything about guilt, right?

Either way, the similarities of Arthur’s feelings to his must be why he also found it easier to absorb them. They felt familiar enough that he can be comfortable, and it was unfamiliar enough for him to want to explore more. As a result, he finds himself fonder and fonder of Bedivere with each day, but that must only be because the same can be said for Arthur.

He realizes that Arthur is in love, and being in the dream of someone in love with a person that Merlin himself is already fond of is the closest he has ever been to what love is supposed to be like.

\--

These days, Bedivere spends a lot of time with the king of the other world.

At first, he thought that the only reason why it felt right to spend time with the king is because he _is_ King Arthur, even if from another world he may be.

However, soon enough, he realizes that it’s more than that.

He feels comfortable with this King Arthur in a sense that the two of them are in the same position: familiar and foreign at the same time. Familiar because their fellow Knights of the Round Table _do_ know a King Arthur and a Bedivere, but unfamiliar because they're not quite those people. This isn’t the King Arthur that they knew and served, and he isn’t the Bedivere who saw the same ending to the story they knew.

He finds himself having increasingly impertinent thoughts that he has never had before. Thoughts like wishing to hold the king’s hand, looking into his eyes, and moving closer—

Impudent.

A lowly knight doesn’t deserve to feel such things for his liege.

But he can’t control the heat of his face when the king does get close or when they accidentally touch each other. He can’t control the wild beating of his heart when the king meets his eyes and smiles at him so warmly. He can’t control falling in love when he hears more of the king’s beautiful thoughts.

And he can’t help but hope, no matter how undeserving he is.

Especially when Arthur rested his head on Bedivere’s shoulder. They were resting after battle, just the two of them. Bedivere noticed that Arthur tends to keep to himself, and the person that he spends time with the most is Bedivere. That makes his hope blossom so much even if he doesn’t want it to. He feels it spreading through his body, and the next thing he knows, he's thinking of something incredibly stupid and impolite like confessing to Arthur.

It’s so unlike him. He’s calm and collected, and he might not be the best tactician there is, but he still is one. He's the type to think things through. Coupled with his calm nature, it’s more like him to plan a confession carefully, and that is if he actually decides that it’s the best course of action to confess.

But instead, one day, when Arthur was resting his head on Bedivere’s shoulder yet again, he finds himself foolishly blurting out, “You know, my king… I think I might be a little in love with you.”

He was met with silence. The inexplicable confidence that enabled him to say something so stupid immediately wears off. Instantly, he regrets what he just said. He can’t feel his face out of shame, and an apology is already on his tongue. Despite all this, the poisonous hope that courses through his veins is saying, ‘ _He isn’t moving his head away. That’s good, right?_ ’

As if reading his mind, Arthur does move his head away.

And Bedivere’s shoulder suddenly feels like it’s cold and empty.

“…I'm sorry, Bedivere.” Arthur had his eyebrows furrowed, and he looks like he's also pained by what he's saying. Bedivere, meanwhile, can’t understand why he would look that way. “It’s my fault. This shouldn’t have happened. I'm sorry.”

“O-Oh. Right… You shouldn’t apologize, my king. None of this is your fault. It’s my fault for forgetting my place.” Bedivere bows his head. “…From the bottom of my heart, I apologize.”

“Oh, Bedivere…” Arthur lets out a pained sigh. He leans forward and gives Bedivere’s forehead a chaste kiss. This whole thing is just too confusing to Bedivere, and that makes him want to cry. Why give him a kiss right now? It’s just far too cruel. “…I should be the one apologizing from the bottom of my heart. You deserve someone better. I understand that I'm hurting you a lot right now, but it’s better this way.”

“My king… You have nothing to apologize for.”

“You deserve all my apologies and more. I'm so sorry, Bedivere. I really am. I want you to heal from this, even if that’s funny to hear from the man who hurt you… So I’ll ask Master to replace me with someone else in our usual team. That should help—”

“No. No, that won’t be necessary. I’ll be okay. In fact, I feel fine already. So please don’t do that…”

Arthur shakes his head. He too looks regretful even if Bedivere doesn’t understand why. “…The sooner you get used to me being gone, the better. It’s for the better. I'm really sorry.”

\--

The next time Merlin sees Bedivere, Bedivere is coughing up flowers.

To be honest, Merlin already knew. When Master completely changed up the Saber team that he goes with, he was already worried. Instead of Arthur, there was Arturia, and instead of Bedivere, there was the Elisabeth Bathory who wields a sword. It was definitely a change of pace. After they finished the quest for the day, he used his Clairvoyance to check on Bedivere, and that’s how he found out.

He didn’t expect that Bedivere himself would choose to come visit him in his room, seeking for help.

“Hmm, I’ll be honest, it’s an extremely rare disease. Even I myself have witnessed it only a handful of times among humans. I didn’t expect that a Servant is also able to contract it.” Merlin hums. “That sheds a new light to this illness. If it can affect you, then I assume it’s magical in nature.”

“Extremely rare, you say…” Bedivere coughs again. They were sitting on the bed in his room because it’s not like it has other seating space, and the flowers fall on one of Merlin’s pillows. They look so much like the flowers that bloom at Merlin’s feet. They happened to be Merlin’s favorite flowers. “So you mean to say… that I'm just extremely unlucky.”

“Well, I'm not saying it’s a completely random occurrence. I noticed that all cases I witnessed have something in common.” Even if Merlin has a clue, he asks, “Did you get rejected recently?”

To be fair, Merlin doesn’t have all the details. He can only assume Arthur rejected Bedivere because it’s just obvious that it’s he whom Bedivere fancies. It also just so happened that Arthur started having sad dreams involving Bedivere recently. He can put two and two together, but it doesn’t mean he understands everything.

Why would Arthur reject Bedivere when he actually returns his feelings? It makes no sense.

Bedivere flinches. “…Is that what causes the disease?”

“From my observation, yes.”

“I see…” Another cough. He grabs at his own chest uselessly. “…Ah. It’s so hard to breathe. I can’t believe that I find it hard to breathe solely because I fell in love.”

“…Mmm, yeah, that’s a bit sad, isn’t it?”

“It’s even sadder that I might embrace that feeling then as it is a testament of my love…” Bedivere sadly looks at the floor. “…That doesn’t sound good, does it?”

“It really doesn’t. This disease has killed humans. And since we lack understanding of it and are only learning now that it’s magical, I don’t know what it can do to Servants.”

Bedivere closes his eyes. “Ah…”

“There _is_ a way to heal from it. I have witnessed a case where it was just a misunderstanding, and the person that the ill one fancied returned their feelings in the end. There’s also another case where they had the plant growing in their lungs removed—”

“T-There's a plant growing in my lungs?”

“Yes. It’s why you're coughing up all these flowers.”

Merlin hears a sob from Bedivere, but he seems to be restraining himself from crying. “…You sound so much alike.”

“…”

“What should I do, Merlin? You said that Master can rely on you for romantic advice… Can I do that, too?”

Bedivere looked so sad and lost. It makes Merlin’s chest hurt too. He doesn’t know if that’s due to his natural fondness for Bedivere or all those feelings he absorbed from the king from another world, but either way, he says something that he thinks he normally wouldn’t.

“You say we sound alike?”

He coughs. “Ah… Yes. Sorry. It was poor in taste to say something like that, wasn’t it…?”

“No, it’s fine.” Merlin places a hand on his. “…If you want, I can indulge you. We can pretend.”

“…H-Huh?”

“Come on. Close your eyes.” Merlin places his other hand on Bedivere’s eyes, and Bedivere doesn’t resist. He has his eyes closed when Merlin retracts his hand. “…That’s good. My beloved Bedivere.”

“…O-Oh—”

“Shh.” Merlin places a finger on his lips. He never thought that they could ever be this close together. “Just listen to my voice. You don’t have to say anything.”

Bedivere breaths deeply, then he coughs out another flower. Merlin inches closer. It’s fine like this, right? He moves closer and closer until his lips touch Bedivere’s. Bedivere flinches the slightest bit, but he gathers himself immediately and keeps his eyes closed. Merlin moves his hands to Bedivere’s cheeks as their lips move against each other. Bedivere’s lips were soft. That wasn’t really a unique observation—Merlin has kissed a lot of people in the past, and a lot of them had soft lips, too. But for some reason, right now, he feels like pointing it out as if it were special.

Bedivere has really soft lips.

“…I love you.” Merlin whispers as they end the kiss. They were leaning their foreheads against each other. “Bedivere, I really love you.”

Bedivere is crying a bit, and he coughs. “I love you, too.”

Merlin still has some leftover fabric for when he made a puppet last Valentine’s, so he hurriedly cuts a part of it as fast as he can. He was back by Bedivere’s side as if he never left, and he ties the cloth around his eyes. “Is this comfortably tight? You won’t peep, right, my love?”

Even with his eyes covered, Merlin can see his embarrassment from being called such an affectionate name. “Y-Yes… It’s good enough.”

“That’s good.” Merlin cups his cheeks again and gives him a soft kiss. “Let me spoil you. I’ll make you feel good.”

He pushes Bedivere down on the bed as gently as he can.

Bedivere takes a deep, nervous breath before coughing yet again.

Merlin takes off his clothes like Bedivere was something he never saw before. Once again, despite all his experience, this feels new somehow. Each garment he removes from Bedivere feels like a layer of giftwrapping he peels. Each part of his body that gets exposed, Merlin wants to plant a chaste kiss.

And so that’s what he does once Bedivere is fully undressed.

He kisses everywhere he can. He starts with Bedivere’s lips, his jaw, his neck, his collarbones, his chest, his abdomen, his hips, his thighs, his inner thighs, and even the soles of his feet. He kisses each fingertip lovingly while whispering words of love. And somehow, this felt natural. That makes sense, he thinks. Serving is a natural thing for him, and right now, he really wants to serve Bedivere.

He takes Bedivere’s cock inside his mouth. It’s been a while since he was the one performing this, but he's not complaining. It just felt right. He makes sure to also use his hand along with his mouth. He grips tighter, and Bedivere moans before coughing yet another flower. Merlin focuses on his tip, coating it with as much saliva as he can, while his hand grips the rest of his cock.

He licks the tip, licks downwards, then going back up to focus on the tip. He does this again and again, making sure his hand never lags behind, and Bedivere lets out the most beautiful moans he has ever heard. Merlin takes it deeper and deeper—slowly and carefully—and Bedivere uncontrollably thrusts his hips up.

Bedivere lets out an embarrassed whine as he coughs again. At this rate, Merlin’s bed is going to be filled by Bedivere’s flowers, and he doesn’t mind at all.

“I-I'm sorry—”

“Shh.” Merlin takes his cock out of his mouth, going back to caressing it with his hand. “Don’t be sorry. Let me serve you.”

“Ah… Oh… O-Okay…”

Merlin takes him back into his mouth. He makes sure that his soft lips wrap around Bedivere’s cock nicely. He makes sure every part of his tongue has touched the tip of Bedivere’s cock. He wants to taste nothing but Bedivere on his tongue. Bedivere thrusts his hips up again, and Merlin senses that he's about to reach his climax, so he stops.

Bedivere makes a confused whine, then his hand flies up to cover his mouth as he coughs.

“Don’t be so confused, my love. I can’t have you coming just yet.”

“Oh… Okay… Sorry.”

Merlin chuckles. “What are you sorry for?”

Merlin reaches for the liquid that he uses to make these acts easier. It’s in a vial placed on the table beside his bed. He coats his fingers with it, and he teases Bedivere’s entrance with his fingers. He kisses Bedivere’s chest as his fingers keep moving just outside. He sucks on Bedivere’s neck, murmuring about how beautiful and loved he is.

Then he finally slips his fingers inside, spreading him open, as he kisses Bedivere’s lips. Bedivere coughs in between the kiss, so he slightly pulls away but doesn’t stop moving his fingers. Merlin kisses him again, and their tongues meet. Bedivere should be able to taste himself like this.

His free hand caresses Bedivere’s cheeks as they kiss while the fingers of his other hand slip deeper inside. He didn’t expect Bedivere to cup his face too as a response.. That actually made his heart skip a beat, and he loved how it felt. It made him feel like—no. He's not sure what word to use.

He decides to just focus on coating his cock with the liquid, and he slowly enters Bedivere. Bedivere lets out another beautiful moan. It made Merlin’s heart skip a beat again. It’s as if his moan was felt by Merlin’s whole body—his ears, his heart, down to his cock. He slowly builds a pace so as to not overwhelm Bedivere.

“Does it hurt?”

“N-No.”

“Does it feel good?”

“Yes…”

He gently holds onto Bedivere’s thighs as he thrusts inside. Bedivere is so tight and warm. Even if this feeling is nothing new to him, his heart still won’t stop beating so fast. He doesn’t understand why. He focuses on thrusting, trying to make himself forget the confusion that he feels.

He just wants to focus on this pleasure because it truly feels good. It feels right. It feels like he's home. And that’s a weird feeling to have because he never truly felt it before. Wherever he goes, he has this state of not quite belonging due to his half-half nature. But somehow, right now, he felt it. He felt that this is where he's supposed to be.

He starts picking up his pace and reaching even deeper inside Bedivere. Bedivere starts to let out more moans interrupted by the occasional cough. Their hips meet with each thrust, and that’s only when Merlin realizes that he himself is moaning and groaning. It feels so good in a way that he has never had before.

Bedivere looks so beautiful like this. Underneath him, hair splayed out, surrounded by flowers. It makes Merlin’s face and his heart feel warm.

That’s probably a messed up thought to have. Even Merlin recognizes that. These flowers are something that will kill Bedivere, yet here is Merlin thinking it makes him beautiful.

“…A-Ah. It’s hard to breathe.”

“That’s just how it is, huh…?” Merlin says in between his own thrusts and moans.

“If not being able to breathe is proof of my love…” Bedivere’s voice is so nice to hear. “I-I want you to choke me.”

“Huh?”

“P-Please…”

“Huh…” Merlin probably isn’t thinking properly. “…Okay.”

He puts his hands on Bedivere’s throat. Bedivere coughs and lets out another flower as Merlin tightens the hold on his neck. He thrusts deeper and harder as he does, and Bedivere’s moans get louder in return. He tightens up on Merlin as well, and it feels good. It feels even better than before.

He kisses Bedivere, hindering his breath even more. Bedivere seems to be happy with it as he kisses back.

“I love you, Bedivere.” Merlin lets go of his neck to let him catch his breath for a bit before returning to wrap his hands around it again. “…Do you like this?”

“Y-Yes. Thank you. Yes.”

“Are you close?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s come together.”

“Y-Yes, I love you, my king…!” Bedivere’s legs shake, and he comes just like he said. Merlin comes as well, deep inside Bedivere, as he tightens his hold around Bedivere’s neck. His hands lose their strength on their own as he finishes, and he lets himself fall on Bedivere’s body.

Bedivere’s torso is wet with his own come, but Merlin doesn’t really mind.

All he could hear in his head over and over again is Bedivere’s voice saying, ‘ _I love you, my king._ ’

And then Merlin finds it hard to breathe.

He coughs out a single flower.

**Author's Note:**

> Next day's prompt is Edging so come back here if you're into that :)


End file.
